That Which Her Heart Tells
by Azu Dazu
Summary: That which her heart tells, but her minds denies. The traumatizing events of her youth, the monotonic lifestyle of her adulthood. And her true feelings for the people she considers closest to her.


**That Which Her Heart Tells, But Her Mind Denies**

**Before Creation**

…

…

…

* * *

**At the beginning of Time**

I...am aware.

I...am made of Light.

I...am a creation goddess.

I...am **Takami-musubi**.

* * *

**At the Creation of the Multiverse**

Everything is so strange, yet wondorous!

I just came into this vast empty world and there are so many beautiful things I could fill it with!

But, I'm also not alone.

I have them- Kami-musubi and Amenominakanushi. They call themselves that and sometimes: 'Divine Creator' and 'Central Master'.

Their names are too long so I just call them 'Musubi' and 'Ameno'. I think Musubi likes the nickname, but Ameno doesn't.

I'm not sure what Ameno's deal is. He always seems so serious and demeaning. And he is mean to me when I try to cuddle with him.

Musubi isn't that mean, though she could be cold. Cold as Space even!

I still love them though...They're the only people I have with me.

* * *

What an exciting event!

We just created our own kingdom!

Well...it's still just a tiny little faction, with only the three of us and a few other creatures called 'kami'.

I am a Kami. But I am a Great Kami. These are low kamis.

Anyways, I am happy that we made it!

Ameno seemed happy, too. He was very cheerful and he even smiled at me! A real gentle smile!

I think he was very proud of himself, me and Musubi.

* * *

Ameno just told me he'd forever cherish me and Musubi.

He promised to make the two of us very happy.

And just by saying that...he did make me happy!

I was so happy my heart was literally pounding in my chest.

I've heard some confessions of eternal love are made like this. Does Ameno...love me?

* * *

I don't like how Musubi stares at Ameno sometimes.

She looks at him with hunger, but not the good or passionate kind of hunger that others tell me about so much.

I feel like I am watching a snake stalking an oblivious rabbit.

I think Musubi will devour him someday...

I don't want that to happen...

* * *

Today was pretty boring. Nothing significant happened.

I wanted to play with some of the younger deities from other factions, but they kicked me out.

And Ameno was so mean about it later on!

He called me rude names!

I...I got angry with him, too.

I mean, what's his problem?! I just wanted to play a little!

N-Now...we don't talk to each other much.

* * *

I tried to settle things btween us and even attempted to cheer him up, but Ameno just said I was a worthless irresponsible child that needed to mature.

I hate him...Why is he so mean to me?!

* * *

I tried to act mature. Or what is considered mature.

I learnt about a sacred ritual called 'sexual intercourse'.

I watched the horrors of war, as well.

It was quite...a fascinating knowledge.

I don't really know how to describe it.

Is this what it means to be 'mature'?

To know the difference of pure love and pure hate?

To know what it means to create and to destroy?

I...I don't know.

* * *

I encountered _it_...Just stumbled upon it.

Amenominakanushi called it 'Amatsu-Mikaboshi'.

He said it was some kind of dark cosmic abomination which corrupted our world.

He tried to purge it.

Only ended up sealing it back where it came from.

Still, I think he was very cool acting like a hero.

* * *

Rape is...curious.

It's like sex, but more agressive and with less foreplay.

Hmmm...

* * *

I tried to ask Ameno about it.

He slapped me and looked at me with anger and disgust.

He said I was turning into a freak.

He then shouted at me to get out of his sight.

I stomped his toe and ran away crying.

I was very angry with him, too...but I was also scared, because I saw _him _being scared.

Am I...Am I scary? Am I like Amatsu-Mikaboshi?

* * *

I know he's in love with her.

She tells him, whispers things in his ear that make him blush and flinch in excitement.

I know she's lying to him.

I know she's just exploiting him.

I heard her mumble to herself that one time.

She's nothing but a dirty lying snake...What does Ameno see in her?

* * *

I watched them have sex.

It was kind of wild. I was interested to see how it'd go.

I have watched quite a lot of sex scenes, so I can distinguish a fake moan from a genuine one.

Surprisingly, Musubi's were real while Ameno was pleasuring her body. Even if the emotion behind her cries of pleasure was exaggerated, I can tell she finds it pleasurable enough.

Wow...Ameno must be quite good at bed then.

His face was different from most men while he was doing it.

It looked tense and focused, yet also gentle and extremely loving.

He was treating Musubi's body like an aesthetic palace- carefully and gently exploring every part of it.

I...I feel weird.

My knees are weak.

And the space between my legs is very wet.

Last night...I dreamt of me and Ameno doing those things. He was whispering naughty things into my ear while caressing me.

The dream felt..._fantastic_.

I wish it could be reality.

I wish Ameno would treat me like he treats Musubi in bed.

* * *

I learnt of something called 'seduction'.

It is considered to do wonders on a man's psyche.

I wonder if that's how that snake Musubi gets into Ameno's head.

* * *

I tried to seduce Ameno. It was a sad attempt. But at least I didn't exploit his feelings.

Nevertheless, he got extremely angry with me. He accused me of being a 'lustful whore'. He then threw me to the ground and strooded furiously away.

An hour later, I saw him and Musubi whispering and giggling to each other.

I tried to go up to them and apologize.

Ameno rudely brushed me off.

Musubi gave me a nasty smile.

I got angry. Very angry.

I lashed out and called out that snake for the filthy liar that she was.

Ameno became furious. I never remember him looking at me like that. It was..._terrifying_.

* * *

I think he hates me.

No, he certainly hates me.

He's happy with Musubi's lies.

He is not happy with my sincerity. He hates it.

And my feelings _were _sincere...I was genuinely wanted him to spend sometime with me. Not because of some ambition...I just wanted him to be with me for a little while and not just around Musubi.

He seems very nice when he's with her, while she's pretending to be a perfect lady.

I just...wanted him to be nice to me.

Why can't he be nice to me?

Why can't he love me like he loves Musubi?

Why does he brush me off everytime I smile at him?

Why does he push me away harshly everytime I try to hug him?

Why does he slap me when _I _try to kiss him, yet when Musubi tries to- he jumps on her like an animal?

Why does he glare at me for no reason from times to times?

Why does he...

Why does he...

Why does...

Why does...

Why...

Why...

WHY?

WHY?!

* * *

All I did was cry and sleep for several weeks.

* * *

I want to die...

* * *

I saw him passing by and he just glared at me, then pushed through me like I was nothing but an obsticle in the corridor.

I cried for the whole night, again...

He hates me so much...why doesn't he just kill me already then?

* * *

I'm going to expose that snake...I want to at least protect Ameno from her filthy lies.

I know what she seeks.

But...I'm afraid, too. I think Musubi knows I know, too...

* * *

S-She caught me!

* * *

She just stabbed herself and soaked my hands with her blood. Then she fell on the floor and began sobbing.

Ameno suddenly just came in.

I was horrified.

I was confused.

I didn't know what to do or say.

Ameno knocked me unconscious. I think he broke a few my bones accidently.

* * *

Now I'm in this dark cell somewhere underground...It was especially made to nullify my godly powers, so I couldn't escape.

The smell is nasty, but it is tolerable...

Musubi stood in front of my cell today. She said something to me, but I didn't listen. All I wanted was to rip that lying little tongue of hers.

* * *

The other day, Ameno came as well...but then he quickly left too.

I feel like...he was sad.

Maybe he didn't want to put me through.

Maybe this wasn't _his_ idea after all?

* * *

I don't where I am!

One night I was at my cell and the morning I found myself in this dark room with just a table which I was placed on.

My limbs are bound and I can't see anyone or anything.

Please, Ameno, save me!

* * *

Musubi just came in the dark room.

Several men stood behind her.

They were all scary.

Musubi was the scariest.

She pulled out several tools and scrolls.

I-I am scared...I don't know what they'll do to me.

* * *

_I am just a bad little girl...I am just a bad little girl...I am just a bad naughtly little girl...I am just a bad little girl...I am just a bad spoiled little girl...I am just a bad little girl._

_I deserve this...I deserve this...I deserve this...I deserve this...I deserve this...I deserve this...I desrve this...I deserve this..._

_I am perveted so I should be disgraced...I am perverted so I should be disgraced...I am perverted so I should be disgraced..._

_I am already a freak, so it wouldn't hurt to break me a little more..._

* * *

...

...

...

* * *

_Please...let it end..._

...

* * *

PLEASE, AMENO SAVE ME!

SOMEONE! ANYONE! PLEASE!

ENOUGH! I'VE LEARNT, I'VE LEARNT! I HAVE LEARNT!

I WON'T DO SUCH THINGS AGAIN!

PLEASE, AMENO...Musubi hurts me. She hurts me so much. Other people hurt me even more.

Please, be nice to me just this once...Save me!

Just...Just _end it already!_

* * *

He didn't come...He didn't save me...He's not a good person...He's no hero...

I hate him.

I hope he dies.

I hope he suffers.

I hope he burns along with Musubi and her lies.

They're the abominations, not Amatsu-Mikaboshi.

* * *

Ameno wanted to talk with me. He seemed a tad nicer than usual.

Why does he pretend? Does he want to give me false hope, so he can then break me even harder?

Well, he can piss off...

* * *

I attacked Musubi. For real this time.

Same thing happened as before. The torture ensued.

* * *

I was released shortly after they halted my ability to speak coherently. I think I left them satisfied a great deal.

Bunch of losers...

* * *

It took a few days to recover.

I wonder if Ameno knows what Musubi and her goons to to me in those dungeons.

Knowing him, he probably isn't aware of my absence.

* * *

I killed someone...for the first time.

His chilling screams reminded me of my own.

The extreme fear in his eyes as I tore his heart out was exactly like mine.

His body fell limply in the same way mine would whenever I lost consciousness.

It was wrong, yet...it felt nice to be the one to inflict damage on another for a change.

It felt nice...to be the breaker instead of the broken.

* * *

Man, who knew killing and torturing others could be so fun!

It was simply..._refreshing_! I felt happy once again! I felt alive! I felt like I had a purpose!

I wish I could kill others forever and ever!

* * *

Ameno's a selfish douche...he doesn't understand.

He's a hypocrite. A delusional fool caught in his and Musubi's lies. I see him for the man-child he is.

He tried to judge me. I told him to piss off as usual...

But then he started very serious and made a deep speech about my acions and how I couldn't distinguish right from wrong.

I lashed out at him furiously.

The fuck does he know about good or bad?

All he knows is how good it feels to be between Musubi's legs and how bad it feels to not be!

He just sees corruption everywhere, but within.

Well, I'll show him how corruppted he is. I'll show him the pig he really is on the inside.

* * *

I caught him off-guard...

I tried to kill him...

I tried to rape him...

I tried to torture him...

But I couldn't.

His look of genuine betrayal and emotional bitterness just washed away all the anger I had built up.

* * *

The punishment that was to follow was bound to be severe...

Will most likely be the worst one, yet...

Not that I care much anymore...

I'd be glad if I could just drop dead during one of the sessions.

* * *

He came...

He really...came.

He saved me.

And before the torture even began.

His concern wasn't false.

He wasn't giving me false hopes.

He wasn't misleading me.

He was actually angry with Musubi. For the first time, he was angry with her and not me. She was the one who ended up locked up in that cold dark cell.

The rest of the day all he did was try to cheer me up a little and talk normally with me.

The matter of me assaulting him and Musubi once was never even adressed. He only asked me if I had been hurt too much.

Had he...forgiven me?

Impossible...he must be lying to me.

_He has to be..._

* * *

This night, he invited _me _to share his bed.

I accepted.

So...he'll take advantege of me now, huh?

Is this the price to pay for him to be nice to me?

Honestly...I'd sleep ten times a day with him if I had to.

* * *

He didn't take advantege of my body. He just wrapped his arms around me and fell asleep.

It feels hot...his body is so near mine.

There's that wet feeling between my legs again.

I feel so strange.

I want to latch myself onto him like an octopus.

I want to whisper sweet 'I love you'-s in his ear.

I want those clothes on our bodies removed now!

Maybe I hoped he could take advantege of my body. Because I knew, that if he were to do so, he'd treat my body like a sacred temple and never abuse it.

Weird as it seemed, that was just...the kind of man Ameno was.

* * *

The next morning his sweet smile was gone. He was back to treating me with the usual antipathy.

Of course...How could I be so stupid?

I should've known better...that there'd be no such thing as a 'loving prince' in this world.

Haah...Maybe I am the delusional one amongst the three of us.

* * *

Ages have passed, I can't tell how much.

I don't really care about the time.

Time is just so monotonic nowdays. Reality, too.

I've lost count of the amount of direct and indirect deaths I have caused. Or how many animals I have tormented. But hey...I've almost forgotten about my trauma, so...yay.

Musubi seems the same, though she also appears to get more and more apathetic with each day. I think Ameno senses that and he is slowly starting to keep his distance from her, even if on an subconscious level.

Our relationship has gone back to it's usual status. Just two familial deities that can't get along.

* * *

I teased Ameno about his manliness. He seemed to get flustered and angry with me. I think it was cute and funny. Maybe there is something more to him than just never-ending gloominess.

So, I continued to tease him. And on the next day, and on the next day, and the day after that, and the day after after that...I think we're forming _some _bond between the two of us.

* * *

Days at Takamagahara have never been so boring...nothing ever happens. Not even in our personal lives.

Really, what is the point to prolong our existence if we can't do anything?

We are more hopeless than those primates that have just obtained a primal form of intelligence on Earth.

* * *

Musubi proposed a plan to me.

Normally, I would've just ignored her, but...I honestly can't take this. These living conditions are horrible.

Nothing happens yes, which is exactly why it is so bad.

Torturing a few more innocent souls may help me clear my mind a bit...

* * *

So...we just summoned our successors. They are to rule instead of us. Welp...good luck, kiddos. Don't expect momma to take care of you.

Ameno's and Musubi's creations are surprisingly cute. They have sex almost constatly. Mine is just a grumpy guy who lives in a mountain. Can't believe I gave 'birth' to something so monotonic.

* * *

...This is even worse than before. Literally nothing happens here.

* * *

I wonder if Musubi and Ameno are sercetly doing it...

* * *

...

...

...

* * *

Wow...the Great War was quite the spectacle. The deaths, the drama, the fights...Honestly, this was the most entertaining thing I've watched since thousands of years.

* * *

Ameno...Ameno...Who was he again?

Central Master something...First Kami...

I just know that my heart goes a flutter when I utter his name for some reason...I think he was my lover once. Maybe?

* * *

Ah, no...not lover. Just an asshole ex-'friend' of mine who constatly chastised me about things. Yeah...and that manipulative snake was Musubi. She wanted to get his title so she seduced him.

That's how things went...I think.

I honestly can't remember much of my past life.

I don't even think I remember the event of my birth.

My mind...it's all so foggy.

* * *

There's this kid...the son of Amaterasu. He is a curious little lad. I think I'll call him Little Light just for fun and giggles.

He looks like a nice kid...I wonder how he would look like when he is suffering.

He seems kind to women and girls alike...

Eh, he's not really my type...A horse would be more competable with me than him.

Still...he is quite intriguing to watch.

* * *

Ameno just reemerged.

I am not sure why, but he seems far different from what I remember him as.

He seems to desire the Little Light's destruction.

Well...this should be interesting.

I may even pay them both a visit later on down the line.

* * *

**A/N**

**A non-canon/canon(depending on the reader's interpetation) prequal story that tells of Takami-musubi's backstory, as well as her true feelings for her two fellow deities. **


End file.
